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My Personal Story About Living with Agoraphobia, Social,
and Chronic Anxiety Disorder by Shelly Wiseberg
I
was diagnosed in September of 2000, a month after my father
passed away. I take medications that have helped me greatly.
I have done a lot of soul searching and truth seeking
throughout my life through spiritual and healing books,
affirmations, meditation, yoga, relaxation, and therapy.
Meeting other deep souls that were my private messengers of
positive thinking.
It
all started at a very early age when I first met up with a
child molester at seven. This can easily change your points
of view about society. Other experiences similar to that
happened at different stages of my life growing up, and at
different ages.
Living with agoraphobia, panic, and anxiety is a challenge
in itself. It can rob ourselves of many opportunities
because of our own fears, and the need to always feel safe
in our environment. If you come from an abusive background
without any emotional support, you end up creating your own
safe haven in a private world of self protection. Your
family life, the environment, internally and externally you
grew up in, relationships with parents, siblings, behaviours
and patterns taught, of so-called role models, who need more
help than you do.
I
never felt comfortable at home. My father was a verbal and
emotional abuser, controller, and put down artist. He was
critical of everything and everyone. He watched me like a
hawk so I felt closed in living at home. He evaded my
privacy and space a lot, criticizing me, and pushing me
around.
I
have not seen one of my brother's for over four years, the
younger brother for a little over two years, they alienated
themselves from their other siblings, it has been that way
for many years, no deep bonds there except in blood, not in
relationship.
My
sister Bonnie, lives in Toronto with her husband and two
children who are all grown up now, and living on campus. My
most positive relationship is with my sister Bonnie.
I
grew up without emotional support and tell people I was
raised by wolves! Thank god I still have my sense of humour!
They say that laughter is the greatest medicine, and having
a good therapist!
I
worry too much about things that are out of my control, but
somehow I have made the trivial in my own mind making it of
great importance. Feeling safe and having an exit. Feeling
like an outsider looking in, disconnected to yourself,
mentally detached from friends and family in social
gatherings.
Living a soloist existence cut off from the rest of the
world, moments of paranoia, that people are judging us, and
want to hurt us in some way. That is why it can be so easy
to just withdraw and live in your own private world. I have
felt quite inadequate in the social world, and feel most
comfortable on my own turf.
The rat race moves at a very fast pace, all that rushing
around in doing, instead of just being. I went through many
changes in life, my losses became my gains in the end. It is
a journey to enlighten yourself, and to be your best under
your own circumstances at your own level of comfort zone. No
one is perfect, not even Oprah!
Coping skills and getting help is the key, and wanting to do
your own personal homework. It is a struggle internally
every day in some way to just stay afloat without drowning
inside. I grew up without any self esteem, and self
confidence at an early age. As far as I'm concerned I grew
myself up from scratch. Despite it all I did do a pretty
good job through my own personal anguish, tormented in soul,
many tears shed, resentment, hurt, anger, dark thoughts,
years of personal mourning I still can love myself. This is
the greatest gift I have given myself and I deserve it!
I am
worth it to know, to love and respect, and that love does
not always have to be biological. That there are many paths
you can take and choices to be made, taking it one step at a
time. In my early 30s I came to a major crossroads , to
either follow on a downhill spiral of my own demise, or to
change my negative route to a positive one.
I read spiritual healing books, and took a very deep look
inside to no longer run away from myself and my own truth. I
t was an emotional and healing experience in itself. I
thought I was a dummy and not very intelligent that I would
never find my way.
I followed a pattern of what others thought of me instead of
following on my own path. The problem was that I believed in
all the negatives and it became my own story.
The
saddest thing that I have personally done to myself is that
I didn't believe in myself, and questioned of what I was
capable of doing, so I avoided many chances and choices of
moving forward and in loving myself. It has been a very long
journey but I have succeeded the best I can according to
myself despite adversity. I have to live my own life and try
to live up to my own healthy expectations, and if I am not
satisfied then I will change them.
I am the rags to riches story in thought, and living my life
for the better. I never liked being told what to do and I
still don't , some things never change! I wrote my thoughts
down in a personal journal. I found this very helpful in
expressing my feelings and emotions. I am a published
author of poetry and writing about my own personal journey
through healing and following on a spiritual path. I am also
a healer of sorts. I have learned to help myself , and now I
help others in my own way.
It is possible to have silver linings around rainbows, and
leaving your internal storm. The safety net of the familiar.
Never taking chances, longing to but the fear is greater of
changing and the unknown. Feeling frozen in movement, a
prisoner of a personal hell.
I think we are what we attract in this world and that
everyone is a reflection in our own mirrors of ourselves in
some way. I call them personal tests and life lessons on how
we think and feel about ourselves then sending it out.
Everything is an experience from trial to error you can
succeed from inward to outward.
Written by Shelly Wiseberg
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