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How to Be a Good
Listener for Someone with Agoraphobia or Panic Disorder
by Stephen Price
Being a good listener is
an important quality in being a good support person for
someone with agoraphobia. Being a good listener makes you
someone a person with agoraphobia can share his or her feelings
with. This is important because much of the anxiety someone
with agoraphobia experiences could be coming from holding
feelings in and not expressing them.
As someone who has suffered from agoraphobia, I can tell you
that one of the reasons people with agoraphobia (or anyone
else for that matter) don't share their feelings with others
is because most people are not good listeners and will just
hurt your feelings even worse by not really listening or not
validating them.
Most people just try to fix you by pointing out what is
irrational or wrong with your feelings. If you have
agoraphobia, this just makes you feel stupid and/or
misunderstood.
Probably the most crucial element to being a good listener
for someone with agoraphobia or an anxiety disorder is being
able to hear and validate someone's feelings or emotions by
making reflective statements to let the person know that you
heard and understood.
For example, if a someone with agoraphobia talks about being
afraid of having a panic attack and being embarrassed when
going out on a date, the best response would
be:
"It sounds like you are really scared."
This lets the person with agoraphobia know that you heard
his or her feelings and invites the person to share more.
Some bad responses that indicate you are not really
listening to a persons
feelings (and responses the average person would give) are:
"If you weren't so worried about having a panic attack, you
probably wouldn't have one."
"Maybe you won't have a panic attack and there's nothing to
worry about."
These responses let person know that you think its silly to
be worried about having a panic attack. They do not let the
person know you have heard his or her feelings.
Hearing and making reflective statements about feelings is
part of a skill called active listening. Active listening is
a way of listening to people that lets them know you care
about them and are really hearing them. Since many people
with agoraphobia say that what they need most in a support
person is someone who will listen to them, here are some
guidelines for active listening:
Be attentive. You have to make an effort to listen
carefully. Don't daydream and don't talk.
Think about the main point the speaker is trying to make.
Also, don't be thinking about what you are going to say the
whole time the other person is talking.
Make reflective statements by paraphrasing or restating in
your own words what the speaker is saying. Especially when
the person shares a feeling (fear, anger, sadness,
regret, guilt, etc.)
Good phrases to use when making reflective statements are:
"What I hear you saying is....."
"It sounds like......"
"So in other words....."
Try to leave your own emotion out when you're listening. Try
not to argue back in your mind. These things detract from
what the speaker is saying. In other words, be objective and
try not to let your own judgments and biases cloud what you
are hearing the person say. Try to really see things from
the other person's perspective and wait to hear the whole
message before forming a response.
Ask for clarification if you don't understand a point the
speaker is making. Ask questions to invite the person to elaborate
on points that seem important.
Avoid distractions. Sit close to the speaker, if possible.
Be aware of more than just the person's words. Look for body
language, gestures, tone of voice, posture, etc. See if you
think the person's non-verbal communication is congruent
with what he or she is saying. (For example - some people
smile when they are telling you they are upset). If the
person's words and body language don't match, ask for
clarification about what the person is really feeling but be gentle about pointing
out the discrepancy.
When you do offer feedback, try to do so honestly but
without passing judgment or expressing approval or
disapproval of the person.
As you can see, good active listening is more than just not
saying anything and nodding. Good listening is a skill that
may take some work to develop if you don't come by it
naturally. However, developing good active listening skills
will make you a good support person for your friend or loved
one with agoraphobia.
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