Agoraphobia Resource Center - Agoraphobia Articles

When I say don't expect your family to get agoraphobia, I don't mean that agoraphobia is not contagious. What I mean is that most families do not understand agoraphobia, at least not right away.

When I first developed agoraphobia, I was the son of a psychologist, and he didn't understand what was going on with me for over a year.

When someone develops agoraphobia, the first stages of common family reactions are denial and frustration:

1) Denial

When you first develop agoraphobia, most parents, husbands, wives, or children will not understand what is happening, even if you tell them. They are most likley to shake their heads in disbelief as to why you can't do the normal things you used to do.

- They may think you are making the symptoms up.
- They may accuse you of being lazy, unmotivated, or purposely
   trying to avoid some responsibility.
- They may try to use logic or reason to try to help you.
- They may try to talk you out of your feelings.
- They may say things like "there's nothing really wrong with you" or
   "there's nothing to be afraid of."

2) Frustration

When their logic and reason don't help you, family members are likely to get extremely frustrated. Most people will want to fix you, and if they can't fix you they may start blaming you for not trying hard enough to get better or be normal.

I remember my dad got mad at me once and said, "Come on, any fool can breathe." That was during a massive hyperventilation spell. I knew he just wanted to see me get better, but comments like this can really hurt.

Eventually, family members see that all of their logic and simple solutions will not solve your problem. They will have to quit denying the problem or trying to fix it. They will be forced to admit you have agoraphobia, a psychological disorder. They will have to admit they can't help you so easily. They may even have to admit that they have contributed to the development of your problem.

When family members get to the level of frustration that forces them to admit reality - they will have a big choice to make.

They can respond to your disorder in a healthy, helpful way.

Or they can respond to your disorder in an unhealthy, unhelpful way.

Once a person has tried to help a family member or spouse with agoraphobia by offering logic and reason and sees that it doesn't help, he or she will usually get frustrated and do one of the following:

-   Give up and emotionally detach from the person with
    agoraphobia
-   Become an enabler
-   Provide healthy support

The first two options are polar extremes - taking zero responsibility for helping or taking all of the responsibility. Both are unhealthy responses to agoraphobia.

Those who give up and emotionally detach from their family member or spouse with agoraphobia may start to say things like, "Well, I guess I'll just let this be your problem since you won't let me help you" (putting the blame on the person with agoraphobia for not being receptive to help) or simply "I've tried everything I can, there's nothing I can do to help." Either way, they start detaching emotionally.

The people who emotionally detach from a family member with agoraphobia are not usually trying to be mean. In most cases, they just can't handle caring and feeling powerless to help or fix the problem.

Those who become enablers start trying harder to help when their first efforts fail. They may start doing everything for the family member or spouse like going shopping for them, communicating with others for them, driving them, entertaining them, fixing their meals, or, in short, making their whole life about helping the family member or spouse with agoraphobia.

At first, the enabler may seem kind and caring, but in the long run they do the loved one with agoraphobia more harm than good. They, in effect, shield their loved one from having to face up to their fears or take any initiative toward recovery. A good enabler can make it too convenient for the agoraphobic not to work toward getting well. In some cases, the person with agoraphobia enjoys the all the added love and attention they are getting from their spouse or family member so much that it actually gives them a reason not to get well.

Both giving up and detaching and becoming an enabler are unhealthy responses a spouse or family member can have to someone with agoraphobia. The most helpful response is to provide healthy support.

Providing healthy support means offering consistent encouragement and care without assuming responsibility for the disorder, or making it too convenient for the person with agoraphobia to stay sick and not take his or her fears. (I realize agoraphobia is never convenient, but you know what I mean).

If you are fortunate enough to have a family who can understand your condition and provide healthy support, I would count it a blessing. However, you do not need your family to get it in order to recover. Your recovery depends a lot more on what you think and do.

Try to explain your condition and win their support and understanding if you can, but your main focus and energy is better spent toward doing the things you need to do to recover.

If you understand the common family reactions to agoraphobia just discussed and don't make understanding of your family an expectation, you could save yourself a lot of anxiety.